Anjasaurus

..and it’s now or never

I’ve realised my life is up to me (am I not smart!). If I want to live all my life in a small town doing nothing, that’s my choice and my problem. No one else need to care. I don’t need to be better than someone else, or worse for that matter. I need to be me. And I need it now. I don’t need to clean up, get nicer clothes, get better at studying, or just be a “better” person in general. I have time. And if I don’t find time to do it, it wasn’t worth it in the first place. And I need to realise I can fail and do something bad, and I’m still me, and people wont suddenly hate me.
It sounds easy when I write it. It’s not that easy to get into my head :)

I’m also wondering if I’m bordering on manic-depressive :P I have my dips, which is natural and nothing weird, but afterwards I feel this super strong feeling, that I can manage everything and no one can hurt me. Whatever it is, I can handle it. It’s a scary, lovely feeling, but I’m wondering if it’s healthy. I should probably just stop thinking about it. When I finished “Women who think too much” I thought about the advice almost every day, but now they’re fading and I find myself overthinking quite often. Trying to think of a way to make the advice and theories more visible in my everyday life, but it’s hard. I feel I have some kind of block that makes me want to overthink, because when I don’t feel good, it gives me something to put my anger into. I don’t feel better really, it’s just something I’m used to. Finding problems and things to be angry at just to have a real reason to feel bad. Doesn’t it sound super healthy..?

I want to stop it, but it’s very easy to say when you feel good and everything is fine. I will have to work with this for a while. :)

Don’t think you know anything about..

Why do I feel I have to know everything about a subject before I can talk about it? It’s not like everyone should know everything, and they will be looked down upon if they don’t..

I guess there is something scary about being wrong. Being wrong shouldn’t be a big deal. Ok, I was wrong about that, so what. I can always learn, and one can’t remember everything.

I also think it’s important to let go, and allow yourself to have an opinion about things. You don’t have to be super smart to have an opinion, sometimes the feeling and the first thought is better than thinking things through.

Problems

It really irritating to think faster than you type, especially since half of my communication is through text. But, what’s even more irritating is the few times you type faster than you think.

That’s slow thinking. :P

Checklist

  • Philosophical mood.. check
  • Not happy, but not sad.. check
  • Hungry.. check
  • Impatient.. check
  • No goals, too many wants.. check
  • Not looking forward to tomorrow.. check
  • Normal Sunday.. check

Late night thinking

It got far too late last night, I should sleep. But I don’t want to, I want to think, talk and write.

Lots of weird, and good, thoughts pop up that late. Usually there are too many bad thoughts for it to be useful writing down, but I felt good tonight.

I’m thinking about the future. About love, friends, family, work. I look forward to being a teacher. Teaching students about two of my favourite subjects, make them understand, get better, enjoy it. Also to be there for them, see them and help them grow up, see what kind of persons they might be.

I definitely look forward to having a family. I don’t see me having one soon, but I definitely want to have one. A big one. I have so much love to give, it would be a waste to just have a few children ;)

About friends and love.. that’s tricky. I have so many friends I value, for different things, but I still struggle to think of what I can give them. It still feels like they’re my friends to be nice to me, not because I’m a good friend, even though I know that’s all wrong. I love them, I care for them. They all have their special places in a corner of my heart and it kind of overwhelms me. Not in a bad way, I just feel full of affection.
There’s also that different kind of love. I have a feeling it’s not for me. I will have to wait. I miss the physical parts (hugging, kissing, cuddling) but I don’t miss being in love. I don’t miss being focused on one person.

I’m happy. I’m so glad when I feel this way.

Voices

There’s something special about voices. To think we can produce sound that can mean so many different things. Every little detail makes a difference and we all have our own, unique voices and ways to use it.

When you hear a child humming or just talking nonsense to itself, what feelings does that spark inside you? Yesterday the weather was great, so of course there were children out playing, and there were two small girls just outside our kitchen window. I heard them humming, puffing and using small words when they were playing, and it fills me with love. Their world isn’t more complicated than that. Children’s voices really has a sound of perfection to them, their world is simple and perfect. And of course honesty, small children doesn’t hide things, their voices tell what they feel right now.

There’s also the voice of a natural “authority”. A person that you trust and follow instinctively. Their voice has something soothing about it. When hearing a child, I feel content but it still alerts me, children might need attention anytime. But when hearing the voice of an authority, I can relax.

I have also thought about the way I use my own voice in different ways, to “reach my goals”. As you read the people around you, you adjust your voice to make it just perfect for what you want to achieve. If I’m listening to someone who was really interesting, but more like ten minutes ago, I change my voice to appear really interested but stressed, maybe. Or if talking to a child, you either try to sound motherly or like a fun friend, depending on where you’re heading.

What I think is even more fascinating with voices is the feeling it can invoke in my body, physically. As I’m a female stereotype (hrm) I adore deep male voices. I once met a guy, only 17 years old, who had the most awesome deep voice I have ever heard. He could stand five metres away and I could feel him talking in my neck and spine. When he was close, my whole body vibrated with the sound. It was scary and beautiful at the same time. I could just sit there with closed eyes and enjoy the sound and the feeling.

Of course, voice is not everything. It’s closely linked to body language, music, situation and so on. But the idea fascinates me, when voice is the only thing we have to rely on (phone) or when it isn’t present at all (online text chat, text messages) communication still works, but in other ways. How do we compensate for the lack of other ways to put emphasis on what we are saying? I know when I chat with someone, I try to hear their voice and way of saying it, and then try to get down my own way of talking in what I write. But I have no idea how it is read. That’s the tricky part ;)

What does your voice tell me today?