Today has been a quite productive day, I finished the most boring part about my essay, just the hardest part left to do, writing down the result, analysis and discussion. Hopefully I can get that at least started tomorrow. If I can hope, I also hope I will have read more than half of Huckleberry Finn by tomorrow night. Doesn’t seem too realistic. :P
Being moody takes energy. Sleep gives energy. Easy solution: write blog posts instead of sleeping.
…is not ok.
I am a girl. This means I regularly get moody, for totally natural reasons. I get sad, or angry, or both. And I feel that’s not ok. “People” (society) expects me to stand above that, ignore my hormones and instincts and be “normal”. Always. It’s frustrating, and it also hurts. It means it’s not ok to be sad or angry, it’s not ok to not always be happy, and it’s definitely not ok to be human. Sometimes it is acceptable to be sad, when a relative has died for example, but it’s still not ok to actually accept your body and let it have its ways. And I just don’t understand how (and why) you are supposed to ignore your own body.
Jokingly, people may say “It’s ok, you’re a girl”, but that just makes it worse. I read it as “Yes, you are stupid, but I’m used to it so just go on, all girls are like this”. Why isn’t it ok to be moody once in a while? For everyone, not just PMSing girls. Why do I need to feel like a bad person, a bad friend, a bad woman, because I give in to the hormones 2 days out of 30 every month? And I have to rely on people being kind and accepting it, while I would prefer it to be something normal, a part of human nature. Not a big deal.
Of course you can dismiss it and say “it’s just hormones, forget it”, but at the same time it feels like there is a part of me I don’t accept. What I’m feeling is real. I might make it bigger than what it needs to be, but it’s still real, I still feel it.
Why am I not ok.
Crying in front of a group of seven people, of which I almost know two, and no more, is so great. It’s just one of those days.
This will be a good day. This will be a good day. This will be a good day. This will be a good day.
I’m going to try out dancing tonight. That’ll be my goal.
I hate life. I hate myself.
I hate having my period.
I need a break from my head. I’m such a mess. I suspect I’m torturing myself by thinking, but I don’t know any other way to get over it than thinking.
Doing is a way, of course, but I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know, everything is a bit messed up atm. I’m afraid of everything and everyone, and I don’t like anything I do. I don’t feel I can stand by my decisions, I just get upset.
Sorry, I’m tired. This will be in Swedish.
Vad ar det for mening med att hanga ut sitt liv? Egentligen? Vad ar syftet med att skriva.. Man vill ju att nagon ska lasa, men da maste man ju ocksa skriva nagot av varde. Jag har ingen energi till att skriva nagot av varde, sa ingen (overdrift, men inte sa manga?) laser ju vad jag skriver. Jag vill kunna skriva sadar gripande och overtygande om nagot som ar viktigt for mig. Nagon glomde bara tala om for mig vad som ar viktigt for mig, sjalv har jag ingen aning.
Eller sa ar det just det jag har. Men jag lider av prestationsangest. Jag kan inte skriva nagot om jag inte gor det bra, och jag vagar inte forsoka utifall det blir daligt. Fanigt.
Jag tror fortfarande inte pa att nagon kan gilla mig for att jag ar jag. Jag maste bevisa, visa upp mig sjalv och bara de basta sidorna, annars kommer folk att skratta at mig. Den eviga skracken att nagon ska komma pa att jag egentligen inte kan nagonting och ar ganska dalig pa det mesta.
Det ska jag andra pa. Gnalla ar bra, man far saga det dar faniga dumma, sa kan man bli av med det. Och bara njuta av annat istallet.
Jag ska bli bra. Jag ska bli bast i varlden.
I’m going to be the best. I will always survive, and I will always love. Someday soon I will get myself a Swedish blog so you don’t have to endure these ramblings ;)
Just too many words today. I’m lonely. As long as I keep myself busy I can ignore it, but as soon as I pause it overwhelms me. Random thoughts, random words, and lack of people to keep me off myself. Usually I think of myself as a person that rather keeps other people off me, and spend time alone. But that’s not true, I hate to be lonely (alone). That doesn’t mean I have to have someone to talk to or do something with all the time, I just want someone to be there, once in a while. Just do a bit of small-talk and go back to whatever it was we were doing. I guess I miss living with a family. There were always someone you could talk to, or join, sit with or just look at. Someone was there. I want to go home.
I’m my own worst enemy.
Don’t try to be happy. And don’t get excited.
Welcome! I usually go by the name Stylva, Anja or Ylva, but the last is my real name. This was once my primary blog, but is now mainly aimed at gaming, coding and Wordpress. I play a lot of Aion and used to play Guild Wars and World of Warcraft, and I really like Wordpress and theme building :)
If you would like to read more of me, I write in Swedish at tumtum.se.