Anjasaurus

Turning point

It feels like I’ve come to a fork in the road. To the left is the big, safe road leading to known joys and sadnesses. To the right is the scary road of new opportunities, successes and failures. I’m not sure which one to take, both have their upsides and downsides. I’m scared.

..and it’s now or never

I’ve realised my life is up to me (am I not smart!). If I want to live all my life in a small town doing nothing, that’s my choice and my problem. No one else need to care. I don’t need to be better than someone else, or worse for that matter. I need to be me. And I need it now. I don’t need to clean up, get nicer clothes, get better at studying, or just be a “better” person in general. I have time. And if I don’t find time to do it, it wasn’t worth it in the first place. And I need to realise I can fail and do something bad, and I’m still me, and people wont suddenly hate me.
It sounds easy when I write it. It’s not that easy to get into my head :)

I’m also wondering if I’m bordering on manic-depressive :P I have my dips, which is natural and nothing weird, but afterwards I feel this super strong feeling, that I can manage everything and no one can hurt me. Whatever it is, I can handle it. It’s a scary, lovely feeling, but I’m wondering if it’s healthy. I should probably just stop thinking about it. When I finished “Women who think too much” I thought about the advice almost every day, but now they’re fading and I find myself overthinking quite often. Trying to think of a way to make the advice and theories more visible in my everyday life, but it’s hard. I feel I have some kind of block that makes me want to overthink, because when I don’t feel good, it gives me something to put my anger into. I don’t feel better really, it’s just something I’m used to. Finding problems and things to be angry at just to have a real reason to feel bad. Doesn’t it sound super healthy..?

I want to stop it, but it’s very easy to say when you feel good and everything is fine. I will have to work with this for a while. :)

It’s time to realise

Today I’ve been reminded of the good and bad sides of living together, and being together. On the one hand, I wish I hadn’t. It was quite nice to live with a dream picture. On the other hand, it’s uplifting. Nothing is only good or bad, no matter how it seems from the outside. I’m not really satisfied with the current situation, but it’s not that bad.

Going home

It’s getting time to go home :) Today was the last lesson until mid January. Before that, I have two essays, two exams and a presentation. It’s a lot, but it feels ok still.

Going home will be really awesome though. I miss my family a lot. A LOT. Late night talks with mum, long walks and those super long laughing sessions with sis, working, chatting and fixing stuff with dad. A silent conversation with one of the horses. Lovely. And I will see them on Friday already! (Lo on Saturday, but still). Wow.

I haven’t been this excited about Christmas in a long while. :)

Enjoy the beautiful things

Today is a day to think of all the beautiful things in life. You know, like

  • Soft pillows
  • Lyrics that push that special button
  • Music that makes you feel
  • Ice on the lake
  • Snow on the roads
  • The smell of newly washed clothes
  • A beautiful voice
  • Love, for friends and family
  • A sleepy cat on the desk
  • Christmas getting closer
  • The taste of chocolate melting on your tongue
  • Talking in clichées, and understanding why they exist
  • Silence
  • A big hug
  • Laughing, together with someone

And all those other wonderful things you can think of. I want to hug the world, I have so much to share. :)

Being moody…

…is not ok.

I am a girl. This means I regularly get moody, for totally natural reasons. I get sad, or angry, or both. And I feel that’s not ok. “People” (society) expects me to stand above that, ignore my hormones and instincts and be “normal”. Always. It’s frustrating, and it also hurts. It means it’s not ok to be sad or angry, it’s not ok to not always be happy, and it’s definitely not ok to be human. Sometimes it is acceptable to be sad, when a relative has died for example, but it’s still not ok to actually accept your body and let it have its ways. And I just don’t understand how (and why) you are supposed to ignore your own body.

Jokingly, people may say “It’s ok, you’re a girl”, but that just makes it worse. I read it as “Yes, you are stupid, but I’m used to it so just go on, all girls are like this”. Why isn’t it ok to be moody once in a while? For everyone, not just PMSing girls. Why do I need to feel like a bad person, a bad friend, a bad woman, because I give in to the hormones 2 days out of 30 every month? And I have to rely on people being kind and accepting it, while I would prefer it to be something normal, a part of human nature. Not a big deal.

Of course you can dismiss it and say “it’s just hormones, forget it”, but at the same time it feels like there is a part of me I don’t accept. What I’m feeling is real. I might make it bigger than what it needs to be, but it’s still real, I still feel it.

Why am I not ok.

Being busy

I’m back home. In my own messy room. <3

I don’t think being busy is for me. I really prefer being home, doing what I feel like doing, not running away on meetings and musts all the time. I’ve taken on too much to do, and I feel like dropping it all and just sleep.

I feel like I’m doing things because people think you “should”, not because I want to, at least not anymore. I’m allergic to should, sometimes. I like to know how things are supposed to be, but I don’t like things you “should” do. Makes a lot of sense? :P

At the same time I doubt myself. Maybe I’m just being lazy and silly, and things will be fun, later on. It’s like I don’t trust my own judgement, I listen too much to people saying “You can’t know until you’ve tried!” and I just think, how long will I have to try before I can know?